NOW we are out of the EU and are free once more to eat bent bananas and catch cod, many people think Great Britain will become a global powerhouse.
I’m not so sure. There’s little doubt that now we are out of the club, the 27 member states of the European Union will side with Argentina the next time they decide the Falklands are actually theirs. So we can wave goodbye to Port Stanley and all those penguins.
At the moment, what’s left of Great Britain is run by a man who’s fairly bonkers[/caption]
It’s the same story with Gibraltar. At the moment, this strategically vital lump of rock attached to the south of Spain enables us to keep an eye on exactly who and what is going into and coming out of the Mediterranean.
But when Spain takes it back — easy when the whole of Europe is on their side — it’ll be used as a platform from which to lob donkeys into the sea. And all the apes will end up in a paella.
Far away, in the South Pacific, we still have the Pitcairn Islands.
The population is just 50 but these remote outposts are a vital staging post for intercontinental internet cables.
Which means the Chinese want them.
Scotland is currently run by a woman whose only policy is to bugger up Boris Johnson[/caption]
And will we have the power, diplomatically or militarily, to stop the Red Dragon getting its way? I doubt it.
Love-sick jet-ski enthusiasts
Northern Ireland? Well, a referendum on that is coming at some point and it seems fairly likely we will have to hand over the keys to the Taoiseach in Dublin.
And when Scotland votes for independence and sails off — without a currency or any oil — to forge a path on its own, we can be sure the Welsh will want some of that action as well.
So, in short order, the once-mighty British Empire will become just England.
And that’s a worry. Because the smaller the country, the more mad its leaders tend to be.
I know Trump and Putin don’t make much of a case for large countries, but they are nothing compared to the people who run the geographical minnows.
You have Scotland, which is currently run by a woman whose only policy is to bugger up Boris Johnson.
You have the Isle of Man, where they put lovesick jet-ski enthusiasts in prison.
At least we can eat our own cod[/caption]
You have Monaco, which is presided over by a penis attached to Prince Albert.
And then there’s the titchy state of North Korea, which is run by a man who uses anti-aircraft guns to kill people he doesn’t like.
At the moment, what’s left of Great Britain is run by a man who’s fairly bonkers.
But when we’ve been reduced to a country seven times smaller than Alaska, I dread to think who’ll end up in charge.
Prince Andrew, probably. If Diane Abbott is busy.
YOU ONLY DIE TWICE
Tanya Roberts, one of my favourite Bond girls, has died. Twice[/caption]
I WARNED last week that 2021 would be worse than 2020, and so it’s turning out to be.
We’ve got a total lockdown which will surely last for months.
The weather is dreadful.
And Tanya Roberts, one of my favourite Bond girls, has died. Twice.
I don’t know how much she was paying the man, but it was too much.
LIVE ANOTHER DAY – AND CLOG THE WARDS
HERE’S a cheery observation from my doctor.
“The problem is that in the first lockdown, when we didn’t know how to treat the virus, people came into hospital and died quite quickly. Now that we know how to treat the virus quite well, people come into hospital and stay there for weeks.”
That’s why there’s such a shortage of beds then. Too many people aren’t dying.
WOKE ME UP WHEN IT’S OVER
THE BBC has announced it will show educational programmes throughout the day while the schools are closed. And credit where credit is due. That is a fantastic idea.
It means parents will be free to do what they do best when they are cooped up inside all day, which is: Get drunk.
I do worry, however, that because the BBC is so woke-tastic these days, the schedule might look a bit like this.
- 9.00 History The British Empire – why your great-grandad was a murderer.
- 10.00 Chemistry Climate Change and how you can stop it.
- 11.00 Current affairs Why Nigel Farage is awful.
- 12.00 Biology Transsexual or pansexual. Which is best?
- 1.00 Lunch Not Peppa Pig. Vegan only.
- 2.00 Maths Cash in the attic? Give it to an immigrant.
- 3.30 English Are emojis better?
- 4.30 Geography. Just Countryfile. This week, the team sit under a tree humming and make eco-friendly garden hoes by boiling wood.
- 5.30 Home time.
(Now rescue your parents, who are in the bog, talking to God on the great white telephone.)
CHURCH OF JEZZA?
SO, it seems the people of Jezza, a wonderful little town in Uganda, east central Africa, have named their local church after me.
I’m not quite sure what I’ve done to deserve such an honour.
Maybe it’s something to do with my initials. Or maybe they heard that I’d come back from the dead after catching Covid.
Well, I’m sorry to pour cold water on that one but for me, Covid was nothing more than a small cold. If it’s worse for you, I shall pray for your swift recovery.
And who knows? Now I have my own church, that might even work.
ISRAEL’S GIFT OF THE JAB
If you put Usain Bolt in a race on his own, he will be nowhere near as fast as he would be against other people – like the race to get a vaccine deployed[/caption]
MANY people are wondering out loud how on earth Israel managed, in just a few days, to vaccinate 16 per cent of its population.
We thought we were doing well in Britain, but they are doing TEN times better. And they’re using the hard-to-handle vaccine that needs to be stored in a freezer at minus a million degrees.
As one doctor over there says: “We constantly need to be on our toes to keep our members.”
He says of the vaccination programme: “All four services are competing to prove to our members we can do it the fastest.”
There’s something in this. If you put Usain Bolt in a race on his own, he will be nowhere near as fast as he would be against other people.
Net result. None of them would run out of PPE.
A SPUDDY DISASTER
AS I’m being kept inside by both the law and the weather at the moment, I’m going a bit loopy.
Last night, at 10pm, the timer on my phone went off but I couldn’t for the life of me remember why I’d set it.
The next morning I found two very small pieces of charcoal in the oven which, the night before, had been baking potatoes.
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SOCIAL MEDIA MORONS
I DON’T often say this, but Piers Morgan is absolutely right to describe antivax social media stars such as Lauren Goodger as “imbeciles” and “halfwits”.
It’s strange how Twitter has a hissy fit and adds cautionary notices on Donald Trump’s tweets when they disagree with what he’s saying, but freely allows people on to its platform to spout utter drivel about the vaccine.
They should cover all these messages with massive red signs saying: “Warning. This person is a moron.”
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